When you have been successful in finding a compatible mate who is financially stable, attractive and very likable, friends and acquaintances will seek your advice in finding someone similar. Which is understandable. BUT there’s more to finding the perfect mate for you than going to right places, writing the perfect dating profile, and dressing to attract the type of man that you want.
I have thought about this a great deal recently. Actually, I started thinking about it after one of my in-laws pointed out that me and my husband share many of the same character traits, yet completely different personalities. It’s absolutely true. I am somewhat introverted. I tend to live in my head. My husband is very extroverted. Loves to talk, even to complete strangers. But character wise we are pretty identical. Also, we share the same values and we both grew up middle class, worshiping the same religion. Our shared values were what first drew me to my husband, but I never even considered our shared character traits. Sometimes, you don’t notice these things until someone else points them out. Yet I have noticed shared character traits in other couples.
For example, I know a woman who is quite crass and obnoxious and her live-in boyfriend is also crass and obnoxious. They both seem mentally unstable and incapable of controlling their own emotions and behavior, which is why people like me – who have full command of their faculties – avoid them like the plague. I’m sure you have all noticed couples like that as well.
People who love drama are attracted to people whose character guarantees that there will be drama. Substance abusers are attracted to other substance abusers. People who are co-dependent are also attracted to substance abusers, because that’s their addiction. I believe in every case of honest courtship – when no one is faking their way into the relationship, like attracts like. People are attracted to themselves. They fall in love with an outer version of them. Or, perhaps, it would be more accurate to say that people who love themselves fall in love with people they relate to.
People who hate themselves do their own version of the same thing. Since people who don’t love themselves can’t truly love anyone else, they seek out people who share their own low opinion of them, or at least of themselves. This is why women (and men) with low self-esteem always seem to meet and become involved with people who treat them badly – both friends and lovers. It’s not a coincidence.
I think you will find that most people recognize this pattern of behavior for what it is. As I said in Standards and Why Losers Want You to Have None, “Women with high standards would not settle for being a baby mama instead of a wife and mother. Women with high standards would not associate with men they know are dangerous to them and those around them…”. This is why there are legions of Black men and non-Black racists on YouTube, in the media and in real life, attempting to convince Black women (who don’t already believe) that they are worthless. People who feel worthless will allow themselves to be used and abused by anyone and everyone. The worst part is, the believers among us foolishly defend those who defile our image.
It’s absolutely insane, but you need only have a discussion about any of a number of very public instances of someone (usually a Black man) committing a violent crime against Black women or bashing Black women and their Black female defenders ALWAYS rise up to protect them. Frankly, I’ve never seen anything like it… Outside of the American Black collective that is. It’s truly mind boggling. Even if you are a believer in free speech, it’s ludicrous to fight for someone’s right to violate, slander and dehumanize you. Only a fool fights for violence and hate speech directed at them and their group. Especially when your group – in this case Black women– are extremely under-represented in every way in this society. And when we are represented (in the media) it is usually to foster a negative stereotype.
In any case, the anti-BW cheerleaders will never find real love. Love from another requires that we love ourselves first, so that we have love to share with another. There’s an African proverb that goes: “Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” You can only give to someone what you already possess.
How do you know if someone loves themselves?
Well, for starters, people who love themselves are health conscious – they eat right and exercise. They value themselves and want to live as long as possible, so that they can share their love with family and friends. People who love themselves tend to have a positive outlook on life. They have faith in themselves, if nothing else. This is why people who love themselves find love so often and easily. When it’s staring them square in the face they aren’t looking for the negatives, they simply trust their guts and embrace it. And they trust their ability to handle whatever their partner may, or may not, do during the course of the relationship. Even when they have messy breakups in their past.
I have a friend who’s been dating a man who uses the “My ex was horrible to me so I can’t commit excuse.” I don’t buy it, but if it is true, she should be extremely wary of this guy. Anyone who claims that they can’t see falling in love again because of a past relationship is either a liar or a coward. What does a past relationship have to do with one’s feelings (for a completely different person) in the future? If a former spouse can have that much power over your life doesn’t that indicate that you are still pining for them, like some pathetic lap dog, hoping they will come back to you? And if that is the case, you are not ready to be in a relationship with anyone other than yourself. Which is fine. Your best relationship must be with you. Once you’ve got that squared away, then you can move on to having relationships with others.
In addition, people who love themselves won’t be angered by your happiness. They won’t put themselves down over the smallest mistakes. They won’t feel the need to put you down either. They won’t damage their bodies by doing drugs, drinking enough alcohol to get drunk, or sleeping around. They won’t assume that you are laughing at them, even though you hadn’t previously noticed their existence. (My BFF and I were actually confronted by such a person in a Walmart last month, when we laughed about the name of a laundry product. )
There are many other qualities that I could list, but I’m sure you get the gist.
It’s very important for a woman to know herself and understand her true desires, because that will dictate who she is attracted to. I have known so many women who said they wanted one thing then went for the exact opposite. You can lie to the world, but do not lie to yourself!
And, please, remember that who you spend time with is who you will become. Be mindful of keeping company with negative people. They will fill your head and heart with venom. It’s not good for you health-wise, and it can wreak havoc on your romantic relationships. No psychologically healthy person wants to keep company with a sour puss, so don’t become one. Become the type of lover, spouse and friend that you wish to attract. You will attract, and be attracted to, who you are.
- How Black Women Are Portrayed In The Media (amz1ng.wordpress.com)
- Myth Busters: Black Women only get “ugly” White Men (blackwomenwhitemen.wordpress.com)
- Standards and Why Losers Want You to Have None (blackfemaleculture.wordpress.com)