‘Self-Hate’ or Power Play?

self-hateI am certain that you have all noticed that whenever another Black person wants you (if you are a Black woman) to do something, say or not say something, or pretend to feel something – such as physical attraction to random Black men, and you refuse their wishes, their first reaction is to accuse you of hating yourself. The question is why?

Is this a legitimate belief on their part? If you’ve been accused, did you believe that the accuser was genuinely concerned about your well-being? Has the accusation of “self-hate” ever changed the way that you live your life? Did you un-friend someone because of the accusation? Did you change the way you wear your hair or the way that you dress? Did you stop participating in an activity that you enjoyed because of the accusation? Did you end a relationship with a man the accuser did not approve of, because your feelings for him demonstrated (in their mind anyway) “self-hate”?

Frankly, I think Black folks throw the words “self-hate” around way too much, and often in contexts where it has no place. It is getting to the point where the phrase “self-hate” is ridiculous and has no meaning. And the very public campaign to abolish “self-hate” (in Black women only) has become equally ridiculous. It’s ridiculous because it isn’t based on any kind of internal discovery of self-worth or self-esteem, but solely on the texture of the keratin protein sprouting from one’s scalp and what you do with it once it’s arrived.

Oh, by the way, you should be made aware that if your hair is not tightly coiled, it doesn’t count when you “go natural.”… Or so I’ve been told. And for some anti-“self-hate” gurus even going natural is not enough. You must also keep your natural hair super short, and avoid using any kind of styling product that may give it definition or shine. Please, don’t ask me to explain the reason why. It makes no sense, and I can’t make sense of non-sense.

I’m not sure what the belief system of the people most likely to accuse you of “self-hate” tells you, but it tells me that certain people believe that hating oneself is only for Black women who’s hair doesn’t have a naturally loose curl pattern and isn’t worshiping and waiting around for a Black “kang”. No one else. This fact alone should be reason enough to ignore anyone who throws around the words “self-hate”.

When non-Black women get relaxers, curly perms, wear afros, cornrows, weaves and have plastic surgery to achieve larger breasts and buttocks, and then only date outside of their sociological “race”, are people screaming “self-hate” at them? NO. Never! When Black men create thousands of videos, write rap songs, and give media interviews to promote White supremacy are they accused of “self-hate”? NO. … Well, except by Black women like me who see it for what it is. If none of these other people are guilty of “self-hate” why are Black women who “perm” their hair and/or love a non-Black man?

You’ll find that Black women who are engaged in self-destructive behaviors and abusive relationships (as long as they’re with Black men) are never accused of “self-hate”. Suspicious, don’t you think?

Like every Black woman I know, who has refused to live and love inside of someone else’s box, I have been accused of “self-hate”, but I wrote this post with my friend, Monica (not her real name), in mind. She takes the accusation to heart. I never have, because the people who make the accusation are often living lives that demonstrate a level of true “self-hate” that is quite sickening. In fact the woman who accused Monica of “self-hate” is living with a man who sleeps with seven other woman – that she knows about, and she pretends to be flattered that a man who “can have so many other women” would want her as well. SMH.

In addition to housing this man, she feeds and clothes him and buys his illegitimate children from past, and I’m sure present, relationships clothes and toys in hopes that they will approve of her. The whole thing is sick and sad, but that did not stop this pathetic shell of a woman from accusing my friend of hating herself because 1) she doesn’t wear her hair natural, 2) she doesn’t think British actor Idris Elba is gorgeous (neither do I, BTW), and 3) her new boyfriend, just like her previous two boyfriends, is White.

So, like I told Monica, the next time someone accuses you of “self-hate”, consider the source and ignore them.

About blackfemaleculture

I am an African American woman looking to connect with other African American women who are interested in reinventing a wholesome, empowering culture that feeds the minds and souls of African American women and their children.
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10 Responses to ‘Self-Hate’ or Power Play?

  1. I wrote an article once on shaming tactics used on black women. Oddly enough I forgot to mention this. Yes, the self hate mantra is just a way to keep black women in their place, and only used as a means of controlling our behaviors and perception, thus keeping the unilateral power focus on the side of black men who want to keep calling the shots and keeping black women in their pocket. People who use this phrase need black women to fall in line with their beliefs because they need to step on black women to get up. Unfortunately (for them) more and more black women are shunning this idea. ( I certainly am) and seeing this for the ruse and control tactic it is.

    • “People who use this phrase need black women to fall in line with their beliefs because they need to step on black women to get up.”
      ~onelesssoldier

      Yes, absolutely! Fortunately, those people (the one’s who mean us harm) are quite transparent. But now, even Black women with good intentions (the road to hell is paved with those) are starting to use the phrase “self-hate” to describe anything and everything that other Black women do that they themselves would not. It’s become truly ridiculous.

  2. A very obvious manipulation tactic to those who are no longer, or were never indoctrinated. Children who are out of bounds often use terms such as “I hate you” / “You hate me” to try and get their way. It is the same mindset with the damaged Black Construct…Instead of taking ownerships, we accuse others of some form of hate. The “self-hate” label takes us a little bit further on the guilt trip however….

    • You know something, it really is a childish thing to say to someone. And one of the problems I see with Black folks trying to make anything other Black people do that they don’t approve of, or they consider “not Black” a form of “self-hate” is that it trivializes the phrase. I don’t know anyone who has felt guilty about something because someone else accused them of having “self-hate”. The funny thing is, there really is self-hate in this world, but it’s demonstrated by people who want to destroy (rape/murder/character assassination) those who look like them. It’s demonstrated by those who abuse themselves with cigarettes, alcohol and drugs. Having children and then making them raise themselves. Going from one abusive relationship to another is another clear sign of self-hate. Yet, I have never heard any Black person refer to a BW in an abusive relationship with a BM a “self-hater”. No, she’s just a “strong Black woman” who can take a punch.

  3. I had to respond because you mentioned “kang” – I couldn’t stop laughing. On a more serious note, what I’ve found is that when someone accuses you of self ‘hate’ or even venomously dislikes something about you, it is usually a reflection of some aspect of themselves that they obviously have not acknowledged within themselves. Your friend ‘Monica’ represents an aspect or an idea that the accuser has yet to come to grips with, and in all possibility could be angry at herself for failing to manifest (or not) whatever that aspect is in her own life.

  4. Natural Fantastic says:

    Self hatred lies in actions and attitudes that are self destructive. Whether your hair is natural or relaxed, whether your spouse is black or white is irrelevant. It’s a person’s choices that determine whether they value themselves and others. If you choose a man that cheats on you and beats you there is evidence of self destruction and low self esteem. If you are ignorant, choose to remain ignorant and pass on your ignorant views to your children then again this is an example of self destruction. Having a negative attitude towards your own natural hair texture or skin colour and having an inferiority complex about them is self destructive and I can understand why people use the term self-hatred in this context. You can have relaxed hair simply as a matter of preference or simply not see colour when it comes to love. Accusing someone like this of hating themselves is simply being hurtful to them just because they don’t conform to your shallow and ignorant views.

  5. In response to Norriscool – Norriscool2012@gmail.com aka “a BM”

    Your desperate need to be the focus of a complete stranger’s attention is beyond pathetic. There is nothing in this post that is even remotely about YOU or any other BM, which, I imagine, is why you felt the need to try and make it about you. BTW, you posted your moronic and (FACE IT!) dishonest rant twice. Once was more than enough, because unlike you, I have better things to do with my time than read and respond to comments from insecure hypocrites. Seek attention elsewhere, or better yet, get a life and stay off my blog!

  6. In response to the ironically named “real love“ kiblade@hotmail.com

    I’m not sure what blog you’ve been reading, but if you read something here blaming you for… what was it you were being blamed for? Or trying to dictate who you, a BM I know nothing about, dates/ marries/ breeds with/ etcetera, you either need a reading comprehension course or a therapist. Not sure which would be more effective for your particular issues… Don’t really care either.

    I understand that the real reason insecure, needy, attention-whore type BM flock to this particular post is because it demonstrate a tactic that they and other BC thugs enjoy using against BW and now it has been exposed.

    As for your claim that BM are “blamed for everything” and BW are “never held responsible for their actions”. SERIOUSLY??? What country do you live in? Because here in America, BW are blamed for their own actions and BM’s as well. GET REAL!! Unless you’re from some far away land you damn well know it’s the truth!

    You don’t like my blog, which I write for the benefit of Black Women? There’s a solution to your problem –> DON’T READ IT! You don’t need to devise excuses to make moronic and nonsensical comments about statements that NO ONE here, in the post nor in the comments, ever made. It just makes you look like a functional illiterate, whose desperate for attention.

  7. MB says:

    Sorry for replying to this old post, but I couldn’t help it. You make several good points. I will say that I find Idris Elba very attractive…love his smile! He has a beautiful body, too. I can appreciate fine men in ALL colors. He also seems very nice in his interviews, despite all the attention he receives. But you are right, sometimes people who accuse others of “self-hate” are the ones most guilty of that.

    It is evident in people who bash us for supposedly “acting white”…listening to anything that isn’t rap/hip-hop/dancehall, speaking well, reading books that broaden our knowledge base, and carrying ourselves with dignity.

    It is also evident in those that lash out at BW for daring to live outside the box in any way. I don’t think that natural hair necessarily makes a woman more conscious or evolved. Sometimes it definitely helps, but freedom of choice is important. I hate relaxing my hair but I also know that natural isn’t for me…maybe when I’m older. I’m thinking that when I’m about 40, if not before then, I might cut off all my hair and have my stylist jazz me up with a permanent color. I’ve always wanted to do that.

    But yeah, I feel you…some people have deep-seated issues and they need to control others around them. I know that some people have never approved of me or my decisions in life. Oh, well…they need to build a bridge and get over it. I’ve always felt constrained and restricted by what people would think, what they would say about me. But now it’s just whatever. I’m sure that behind my back, some people are talking sh*t because I married a white American…too bad.

    It’s not just Black folks who will offer their unwanted opinions either. The Hispanic lady who does my eyebrows once said that I should have married a Cuban (wtf?) I was puzzled by that one! I am not even Latino and neither is anyone in my family. Who is she to tell me anything about my personal life and relationship? Oh, and some people in my husband’s circle have made their little comments as well. His friend’s wife is rude whenever she sees me which is about once a year. She is a spoiled white “princess” type who is a SAHM of two kids, but she has the nerve to talk down to me and act like she’s better than me. I know it bothers her to see my husband (a tall, handsome, successful white man) with a little black girl like me.

    All of this is just crabs in a barrel…we simply have to focus on being happy, living life to the fullest, and doing what is best for us.

    • No problem. I have set the bog to shut down a post’s comment section after a year, so, if a post is still open to comments feel free to post one.

      Everyone has an opinion about who BW should date/marry, as if it’s any of their business. Another reason BW should stop trying to micro manage BM’s personal lives with guilt trips. It just encourages them to return the favor.

      Anyway, that wife of your husband’s friend sounds like your typical racist bitch with entitlement issues. But as I said in my earlier response, she can’t make you feel inferior unless you believe you are, so to hell with her! WW like that hate it when you consider them insignificant for valid, non-racist reasons, because they know that you’re right. She is obviously threatened by you and your relationship with your husband. What if her husband decides that he doesn’t have to settle for a WW? It happens.

      I have worked with many White women like that. When they realized I was not impressed by anything about them, least of all their skin tone, they either avoided me like the plague, tried to befriend me (as if) or tried to get me fired – like the bitch I wrote about on this very blog.

      “All of this is just crabs in a barrel…we simply have to focus on being happy, living life to the fullest, and doing what is best for us.”

      I agree, and I’m glad you’re not letting these idiots get you down. Living well and being happy is truly the best revenge. :)

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