While I still have no doubt in my mind that the media is guilty of championing the sexual promiscuity and irresponsibility that is wreaking havoc on our society at large, and the Black community specifically, there are many individuals pushing this agenda as well. Not surprisingly, most of these people are men – cloaked in faux feminism or exploiting female insecurities, real feminists – who want us to jump on their “have sex like a man” bandwagon, and other women who have no political agenda but should know better.
I will start with those who have the least amount of influence on women’s sexual behavior: Men.
Men are more duplicitous in their sex strategies against women.
For example: And this is an actual quote…
”Why is it our responsibility to tell a woman who she can have sex with and how often? Feminism is about treating women like morally competent adults who can actually make their own decisions about their life, their career, and yes, even their body. If that means making decisions different from what you or I would make, even if it means sleeping with a guy who texts her for a date, then that is her business and her right. I don’t hear anyone telling me I shouldn’t give it up on the first date for a woman to respect me. Why is that? That’s right. Because even if you don’t agree with me, I can do whatever the heck I want. Why should we want anything less for our sisters, daughters, friends, girlfriends, or wives?”
“You are very cavalier and insulting of the rising younger generation. Do you interact with these kids in the real world? Because I do, all day, every day. Contrary to your myth of techno-obsessed, socially inept, hipsters, the vast majority are conscientious, hard-working people who are honestly looking for, and finding, love and commitment. If these men are “thoughtless children” and these women are “degrading themselves, viewing men as the enemy”, they hide it well in their words and actions around me.”
“I, too place a high capital on fight oppression and marginalization of women of color. Isn’t part of that recognizing that oppression and marginalization of women in general is still an issue? It seems to me that if you treat the larger group justly, respectfully, and honorably, then the smaller group gets some benefit.” ~SeanCyphers (Livefyre account)
Gee, I wonder what this (I’m guessing non-Black) fellow hopes to gain from discouraging older, more experienced women from advising the less experienced, “younger generation” of women on dating and vetting men? It’s a real head scratcher, isn’t it?
I have to give credit where credit is due. This strategy works quite well on the rebellious among us. If a woman refrains from sleeping around, especially if she’s being advised that it’s foolish by others, she’s being “oppressed” and “marginalized”. Very clever. The rebels always want to do what older authority figure types don’t want them to do. It’s childish and immature, but that is obviously the type of woman such a man hopes his words will appeal to. When it comes down to it, what he really wants is to screw “the younger generation.”
If you have ever come across such a guy in real life, you already know that your failure to buy into his faux feminist bull crap will lead to an all out tantrum and/or claims that you must be a “frigid religious nut”. Avoid all faux male feminists. They do not respect women, and they have no interest in helping you (or any other woman) to achieve social justice and economic equality. It’s nothing more than a con.
Another strategy, I have only ever seen used by Black men, is what I call the “Your damaged goods now and you better take what you can get” strategy. This strategy has two approaches (that I know of). In the first, the intention of the man is quite obvious.
“You’re no virgin! So, why do I have to wait to have sex with you when Ray-Ray, Jamal, Peanut and whoever else didn’t?”
This man wants sex, and hopes to use your lack of a hymen to get it. It’s a very weak approach, and I doubt it would work on any rational adult women.
A similar, but more selfish, approach is to use the imbalance of population between Black women and Black men to their advantage.
“If Black women want a Black man, and they aren’t even virgins, they need to bring something to the table. A Black man can get any woman he wants, why should he settle for you unless he can get something out of it? If a Black woman wants me, she needs to know how to put it down in the bedroom and the kitchen. A real woman knows her place and isn’t too proud to be submissive and cater to her man’s needs.”
The intentions here are also obvious, but I have actually seen this approach work on some desperate, and successfully indoctrinated, NBABM women. I’m sure you have too. The key words in this example are “her man’s needs” – indicating that the woman who gives in to this man’s demands will get a relationship as her reward, and “submissive” – a favorite among the DBR crowd, because so many Black women have been brainwashed by Black churches to believe that women should bow down to men as though they are gods, instead of the partners in life that they are meant to be. Ironically, fornication is a Biblical sin, but not one discouraged by most Black churches.
Some of you may be surprised to read that I believe that men have the least amount of influence over female sexual behavior, but it’s true. The reason is fairly simple, and is tied into the age old concept of peer pressure.
Women, in general, do not and cannot truly consider men their peers. The imbalance in power and social privileges make that impossible. Also, women know that men (hetero men) want sex from them and will likely say or do anything to get it, so when a man pushes casual sex no one is fooled as to what his motivations may be. We are all certain that we know. We are not so certain about our fellow women.
It’s hardly a shock that men would see an advantage in convincing women that sleeping around is the world’s greatest idea, but other women? It may, or may not surprise you to know that some women, when they reach a certain age, begin to resent younger women and the possibilities inherent in their youth. Some of these women will happily encourage younger women to engage in behaviors that they already know are detrimental to their future and even their lives.
Unless you have been on the receiving end of this kind of bad advice, you may think, “No, they are just trying to be helpful.” If the person in question is around your own age, this could be true, but when someone gets to your parents age group they should, and probably do, know better.
An example, from my own life:
A childhood friend of my mom’s tried to convince me not to marry my husband until I had slept with more men. Now, keep in mind that I had been in three previous serious relationships that she was aware of, so this was not her expressing a concern that I may be falling for the first guy I ever slept with. She has known me my entire life. Also, this woman has been married five times, and according to my mother – who should know – she was divorced all five times because she cheated on all of her husbands. And even had two children during two different marriages with men she was cheating on her husbands with. In addition, she began sleeping around as a teen, long before her first marriage.
So, basically, this woman is a sexual compulsive who, instead of getting the counseling that she so desperately needs, wanted to drag me down to her level. And even if my mother had not warned me about her mindset, seeing how she treated her own children would have given her away: she treats her sons as if they are living gods, and treats her daughters like romantic rivals. Not the type of woman I’d accept advice from.
Guilt and shame have always been popular tools when it comes to manipulating and controlling the lives of Black women and girls.
Some women will attempt to guilt you into having sex with men you barely know, by claiming that your refusal to share your most intimate embrace with a virtual stranger makes you “stuck up”. I recently read a blog comment about a woman who tried to convince her own niece to have sex with any Black man who asked her out, because (according to the aunt) there are many other Black women who were willing to have sex with a BM on the first date, and not doing so made her “stuck up”. Reading it, I could hardly believe that anyone would say such a thing to their own flesh and blood, but I guess the anti-young women jealousy instinct is stronger than blood, for some women. Thankfully, this young woman had enough sense and self-respect to ignore her aunt’s disgusting advice.
In this case, the guilt strategy, employed by the commenter’s aunt, seeks to gain your sexual compliance by attempting to reinforce beliefs that the perpetrator thinks you already hold: 1) You MUST only date Black men and if you don’t you are betraying the entire “Black race”, 2) You owe it to the “Black race” to have sex with a Black man whether you actually know and trust him or not, 3) Because there are far more BW than BM, you can only “catch” and maintain the interest of a Black man by sexing any and all BM who happen by, 4) This behavior is in no way problematic, until there is a problem – STDs or OOW child(ren), and then it’s all your fault for having listened to such dumb*ss “advice” in the first place.
The guilt strategy is the much darker side of the “help a brotha out” guilt trip that has always been laid at the feet of Black women. But instead of simply handing over your hard earned money to an unemployed leech, you’re handing over your self-respect and dignity, not to mention jeopardizing your future prospects and health, in the process.
Some women also enjoy using the shame strategy against other women. The shame strategy seeks to alter your behavior and sense of morality by implying that there is something inherently wrong with any woman who does not want to share her body with a multitude of random men. This strategy is more likely to be used by women your own age. Such women will use feminist thought and/or the media – via popular TV show characters – to make their case. This allows them to drag you down by convincing you that casual sex/promiscuity is “normal” and necessary to a fulfilling life.
The guilt and shame strategies do not work in the hands of men, for the reasons I have already given. Women, on the other hand, are able to hide behind either “Black unity” or “feminism”. These closet haters can pretend that they are either “liberating” the sexuality of young women, or making sure that the “Black race” continues to exist. Cause, you know, 1 billion of us world wide isn’t nearly enough.
Of course, some of these women are true believers in these causes. As P.T. Barnum once said, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” But a LOT of these women are promoting the casual sex agenda out of competitive jealousy. For such women, it’s all about leveling the playing field.
These are the women who will cry “it’s not fair” and “virgin worship” when you protest casual sex, promiscuity and the aftereffects of this behavior. Since most women know that sleeping around makes them look less than lady-like, some will try to pull as many women on-board that bandwagon as possible, so that their own behavior appears more acceptable, commonplace, even normal. And the best ally that these people can have is the media. The media has done an excellent job of promoting the belief that casual sex is nothing more than good, clean, fun that can somehow lead to love and marriage. I wrote a post on this subject last year.
The reason normalizing casual sex and promiscuity is so important to the social capital of promiscuous women is that it levels the playing field and creates a sense of “fairness” (for them) in the game of love. If every woman is doing the same thing, how can a man say that one woman is better or more marriageable than another. But first you have to get all the other women on board.
If you have never heard of leveling before, I will explain it. When some one possesses a quality or feature that someone else envies but can never possess themselves, they may seek to belittle that quality to make it seem less valuable than they truly believe it to be. If you are a Black woman you are already familiar with this behavior, even if you didn’t know what to call it beyond “hateration”. By doing this, the “hater” can convince themselves and (if they have the power to control the media) others that what they already have is just as good, if not better, than what the person they envy possesses.
Promoting casual sex and promiscuity is an easy way for women who have ruined their reputations to level other women, by convincing them to do the same thing. And those who object – especially Black women, are often vilified. There seems to be a LOT of anger directed at Black women who advise against sexual promiscuity. I can only guess at all the reasons why. I know, from experience, that certain people are afraid of losing their “jezebel” scapegoats, but it’s the others that are more concerning to me.
A lot of this anger comes from Black women who have spent years unsuccessfully trading sex for the HOPE of approval and love from various men. They rarely get it, of course, because their behavior is based in the belief that they are not ENOUGH. They aren’t pretty enough, smart enough, personable/charming enough, to get and keep love, so they try to use sex to close the deal. The problem is, and why it never works, is that ALL women have the same basic equipment, just like all men have the same basic equipment. What makes us all different and special, and the possible love of someone’s life is not to be found in the genital area. And despite popular belief among the DBR crowd, neither sex nor lack of sexual experience can make someone love you.
Being a virgin will not make someone love you. Being easier to make than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will also not make someone love you. Depending on how you feel about yourself and your interpersonal skills, this will either be great news – greeted with relief, or terrible news – greeted with anger and denial. I hope, for all of you reading this, it is the former.
Too many women refuse to face the simple fact that men are not like women. Sex does not cause them to chemically attach to a woman. When a man falls in love with a woman, Oxycytocin has little or nothing to do with it. So, if you want love, real love, you must be lovable. Not sexy, not a “casual” sex girl, but lovable.
In addition, by engaging in sex with a man before he’s had a chance to develop feelings for you – beyond attraction and lust, you may be sabotaging the possibility of his falling in love with you. And that would be a shame. Especially if you chemically bond with him and fall in love. Once that has happened, it could take you as many as two years to get over that man and move on emotionally. Unless you’ve been “turned out” or hardened by too many bad experiences, that is a very real possibility.
Despite popular belief, a man will only love you for who you are: your personality, your intelligence, your humor, your kindness, your capacity to feel and be loved. No amount of sex will buy you love. but if sex is all you really want from a man, you’ll find plenty of men who are interested in giving that to you. And, most likely, only that.
If you want more from a man – a relationship that will lead to marriage and a family of your own – play it smart, don’t imitate TV show characters (THEY and their lives ARE NOT REAL), or “explore the sexual landscape” with every hairy dick named Tom just because your friends don’t want to be the only “sluts” in your town. Such behavior will get you nothing, but used and discarded, like toilette paper after it’s served its purpose.
It’s important to remember that, no matter what anyone else may claim, ANYTHING that can jeopardize your physical and emotional health, put you at an economic disadvantage (single parenting), and therefore limit your future prospects is not to be treated casually. Treat sex casually at your own risk.
For those who would argue that it is “unfair” that women are judged far more harshly for the same sexual behavior that men are often applauded for, I would respond: You are right, but so what? Life is not, never has been and never will be, fair! That is why we all must take action and create our own opportunities.
I don’t think it’s fair that men cannot become pregnant and be left holding the bag / baby, the way women often are. I don’t think it’s fair that men are rarely held accountable for abandoning their own children, as if their children did not deserve to have a father. You know what else is unfair? Men who have vaginal sex with HIV positive women (who are not menstruating), even without a condom, have an extremely small chance of contracting the AIDS virus, whereas women under the same circumstances have a nearly 100% chance of contracting the virus from a man. That isn’t just unfair, it outright sucks! Especially since some of these guys are poking holes in their condoms in hopes of ensnaring you!
And those issues are far more pertinent to our economic status, personal happiness, and continued existence than whether or not we can stop men (and even women) from judging women who sleep around. Concentrate on what you do control, and that ain’t other people. Take advantage of the many advantages inherent in being a woman. That is what smart women do. You will only gain more when you are wise enough to make the most of what you already have. Appearances and reputation are everything when it comes to getting what you want out of life. Trust me. And the loftier your goals the better your reputation must be. Refuse to believe that at your own risk.
We as BW owe it to ourselves and to our future offspring to be wise in how we conduct our lives, and with whom we risk procreating. We have the power to give a future generation an amazing life, but only IF we play it smart. Engaging in casual sex is the opposite of smart.