To All the Black Women Who Say, “I don’t need a man!”

allergic to patriarchy

To all the heterosexual Black women who love to shout to the whole world that they don’t need a man: Please, stop lying!

Seriously, if you are a heterosexual woman who wants to have a romantic relationship with another Human being, that Human being will have to be a MAN. Therefore, just be honest with yourself and others. Or at least be wise enough to keep your mouth shut. Because unless you’re planning to join a convent and/or take a vow of lifelong celibacy and avoid the company of men, what is the point of pretending that you have no use for the male of the species?

As a heterosexual woman you MUST have some use for men. If not, you are not, by definition, heterosexual. Heterosexual women need men just as much as heterosexual men need women. To say otherwise, is just plain dishonest and laughable. Have you ever heard a heterosexual man say “I don’t need a woman!”? I haven’t.

Does this mean I am encouraging Black women to act desperate or be needy? No, of course not! But pretending that you don’t have the same natural Human need for male companionship and love that every other heterosexual woman has accomplishes nothing, and may even backfire.

Every woman I have ever known who said those words is (seemingly) incapable of sustaining a relationship with a man. And I suspect it’s a case of their manifesting what they’ve put out into the universe. The Secret isn’t really a secret, and it’s really real. There’s a principle of quantum physics that states, “You attract what you focus on”. According to this principle, focusing actually causes changes in energy fields that automatically produce a physical change in your surroundings. I know this is true, because I have witnessed and experienced this effect.

There’s a reason why people – men and women, Black and White – tend to create what they fear most, while attempting to prevent what they fear from occurring. I’m sure some of you have witnessed or experienced this as well. So, what is a woman to do? Focus on solutions and outcomes. What do you want? Once you are honest with yourself about that, you are one step closer to getting what you truly want.

Despite what you may have been led to believe by the media, the feminist movement, or even your own single mother, there is nothing wrong or shameful about wanting an honest, decent, trustworthy man in your life; it would be peculiar if you did not.

And to those who flat out refuse to understand what I am saying:   Yes, you do have a right to your opinions and feelings, Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Expression, … blah blah blah, whatever. That doesn’t make focusing on the negative feelings you have about men and relationships the smart thing to do. It certainly doesn’t make it the productive thing to do. Ask yourself these questions: How is my negative focus working for me? Am I any happier or content as a result?

These are questions only you can answer.

 

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About blackfemaleculture

I am an African American woman looking to connect with other African American women who are interested in reinventing a wholesome, empowering culture that feeds the minds and souls of African American women and their children.
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15 Responses to To All the Black Women Who Say, “I don’t need a man!”

  1. I like this post. I really don’t understand the people who claim that they don’t need basic love and affection from other people. Honestly, when people say this I just mentally shut down because I truly can NOT believe what they’re telling me. And usually the people who tout this the most are the ones who’ve been hurt in some way. Or they are people who haven’t met the right person and when they do they change their tune right quick. Lol. I Never listen to those people. I was talking to my mother and I made no bones about the fact that It is important to me to get married. Luckily she supports that. ( of course she wants me to get my education and all of that) but she knows that having relationships are just as important.

    • Yes, relationships are extremely important, and not just to happiness. It’s been proven that people in healthy relationships tend to be healthier and live longer because they get emotional and physical support from their partner. That’s why the whole “I don’t need a man” thing is a subtle form of self-sabotage that many BW never even consider. But if you pay attention, you’ll notice that many non-BW applaud BW who say things like that.

  2. The Phoenix says:

    The Black women who say this are only saying it because they have been hurt by men, (usually Black) told that they DO NOT deserve normal relationships with healthy, loving men simply because they are BLACK (especially if they are dark-skinned BW) and because everyone acts like there is something “ugly” “not normal”, and “wrong” with Black female sexuality. Get rid of these factors and this talk disappears. Also the attitude of TOO MANY men, ESPECIALLY Black, but White, Hispanic, Asian, etc that Black women & girls are some how “other than female/less than “REAL” women/girls contributes to this behavior too. Those things have to be tacked for this to change. It cannot ALL be on Black women’s shoulders.

    • It’s not “ALL on Black women’s shoulders”. Just the parts that we can control: what we choose to do, what we choose to say, and with whom we choose to associate. It doesn’t matter one little bit what some BW may think some non-Black non-woman MIGHT think or feel about them/us. As the saying goes, “It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”

      There are plenty of good people in this world. Not everyone is an enemy out to destroy BW. But if that is all you expect to find when you leave your home, I can guarantee that you will find plenty of those too. “Seek and ye shall find.”

    • mYstiQue says:

      I notice the opposite with the other groups, the ones married to BW tend to be married to the darker BW, so, if many sisters leave the black areas, and use the world to find their mates, they’ll be surprised

      BM tend to want to marry lighter, because it impresses the homies in the group, so BW leave BM alone, even if BM want to go with you, he wants to impress others first

  3. reese says:

    I think they are ashamed because they are single and people think they cannot get a man. So they are stating they don’t need a men. You know you want one, or why are you over explaining it?

    • That could be true for some, but I think it’s mostly to do with silly feminist ideology. The whole “men are inconsequential (unless you need someone to blame)” bs that most feminists delight in pushing. And women, especially Black women, are praised for saying that they don’t need a man, and shamed when they admit that they do.

  4. toomanygrandkids says:

    BTW, this is the closely related topic I was commenting on another website when I wrongfully commented on your blog. Anyway, I just posted a cooment, but I don’t see it.

    • I don’t see it in my queue. When was it posted?

    • mYstiQue says:

      hmm most grandparents want more grandkids, and seem to not have too many, unless you have to take care of them because of bad choices,
      My grandmother had to take care of a few of my cousins because my moms younger sisters didn’t do a good job

  5. Mello says:

    “there is nothing wrong or shameful about wanting an honest, decent, trustworthy man in your life; it would be peculiar if you did not.”

    > I agree.

    While I don’t want to dismiss your experiences and blog post, there are other types of women out there who don’t fit your description. I mean that there are voluntary celibate women who are healthy mentally and have no rage against men. Like me. Now I admit that that we are a minority in this world, but we exist. I don’t need a man. Do I want one someday? Yes. But I don’t feel uncomplete if I don’t have one in my life. I don’t feel frustrated or lonely because of this. Sex isn’t an issue for me. No, I’m not asexual. I’ve read about it enough to know what I am.

    I think that the women who say they don’t need a man, those who are very vocal and vindictive about it, should focus on themselves then. Instead of wasting time badmouthing men, make time to work on yourself and enjoy your free time, enjoy your celibacy. It’s OK to feel like giving up on men because of bad experiences, but you just can’t stay a bitter person all your life. It won’t help you. If you really want to stay celibate, make the best out of it and forget badmouthing men. Just be happy and a good example for the other women.
    I don’t feel like attacking these angry women as they are scarred and hurt deep down. By closing their hearts, they’re trying to protect themselves from others, lots of people have issues, I’d say that we all have issues to an extent but coping methods are not always good in the long term. Too many women have low self-esteem, some choose to stop dating altogether as a way to stay away from bad influence and stress, but most keep dating bad men. A lot of people don’t do some soul-searching to improve their lives and their dating pool.

    • I find your comment interesting, because I wasn’t even thinking of celibate women at all. That is why I said “if you are a heterosexual woman who wants to have a romantic relationship with another Human being, that Human being will have to be a MAN.”

      None of the women I know who publicly shout to the world that they don’t need a man are celibate. Far from it. if they were celibate, they would probably not feel the need to make such loud and public declarations, which their own actions prove to be untrue.

      I think becoming celibate could actually help such women get their lives together. But by chasing after men (which creates its own problems) and then exclaiming to the world that they don’t need one, it’s like they are spraying themselves with bug repellent and then wondering why no bugs are hanging around. Those are the women I am speaking to. They may not want to hear what I have to say on the subject, but it’s true.

      • Mello says:

        “None of the women I know who publicly shout to the world that they don’t need a man are celibate. Far from it. if they were celibate, they would probably not feel the need to make such loud and public declarations, which their own actions prove to be untrue. ”

        > OK, now I see the hypocrisy of this type of women. I didn’t read your post this way as this isn’t my experience, I trust yours though. I guess those women want to have the cake and eat it too: have the man and claim full independence. That way they won’t have to work on themselves and break this unhealthy pattern (by becoming celibate) they put themselves through because they’re weak.

        I agree that celibate women wouldn’t be loud about that, it makes sense. I know that I don’t do that. Thanks for clarifying!

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