I am sure many will agree, and even more will disagree, that dating a man who was raised by a single mother is a very bad idea. Some will argue that it’s unfair to label all men raised by single moms as inadequate, and that it also casts blame on a mother who struggled alone to do right by her child.
Believe me, the last thing I want to do is blame Black women for the huge number of Black men who refuse to take part in parenting their children – we get blamed enough for the actions of others, but pretending that the epidemic level of fatherlessness is not affecting Black children negatively – well into adulthood, is nothing more than denial.
Consider your own friends and acquaintances. I have noticed, since I was a teen, that girls (like myself) who were raised by their fathers were not getting pregnant or acting desperate for male attention. While those who had single moms usually popped out at least one kid by graduation day, if they even graduated. As adults these fatherless women tend to seek a man with “swag” or “swagger”, whatever the hell that is. (Note: growing up, I was led to believe that SWAG was an acronym, a mafia term, meaning ‘stolen without a gun’.)
And the boys…Those without a positive male role model, which is at least 85% (I’m being generous) of those without their father in the home, end up displaying violent criminal behaviors, sociopathic and misogynistic tendencies, and a deep seated anger. And that anger is always seeking a vulnerable target to destroy. This is usually where Black women and children come in.
Men with proper fathers or father figures, in my experience, are thoughtful, manly, courteous and family oriented. That’s a generalization I know, but this is MY experience. I have never met a man with a proper father who wanted me to pay for a dinner he invited me to (this recently happened to a friend), or failed to open the door for me — car or building, or who blamed “feminism” for all their problems. Men who are raised by real men know how to be real men. The bitchassness that you face as a Black woman, from bitter, angry, fatherless Black men, will not be there when you only associate with quality men raised by quality men.
It has been pointed out to me that the majority of African-Americans are born out of wedlock, and that people of African descent from other nations tend not to have this issue, but generally keep their distance from African-Americans. Making it even harder for a young AA woman looking for a Black husband who was raised by a loving father or positive male role model. The solution to the problem is simple: STOP LOOKING FOR A SPECIFIC SKIN COLOR AND LOOK AT MEN AS INDIVIDUAL HUMAN BEINGS.
When a woman puts a man’s upbringing, character and shared values first, finding an ideal husband becomes simple, almost easy. She stops making the same mistakes in choosing a man, because her criterion is set. Those who do not fit that criterion are never entertained with the notion that they will ever be anything other than an acquaintance. She no longer gives unworthy men “a chance” to waste her time. Which brings me to another point: Do not hide your desire to be married with children.
As the saying goes, “You have to name it to claim it.” Do not make your family values a secret. It’s not a business idea or an escape plan, which should be kept secret. Marriage-minded men appreciate women who want a husband and family; so many women have been trained to deny that they do. The next time you go out on a date with a quality man, and potential husband / father, be honest about what you want. If he’s not ready for marriage and family, or is not interested in having those things with you, you’ll only have wasted one evening on that man, instead of weeks, months or years. I think we have all seen that happened.
I want to add that I’m not saying all men who, through no fault of their own, grew up without a father’s love and guidance are poor husband material. But all things being equal, a fatherless man is more likely to:
- have an unnatural attachment to his mother, yet hate women; and his mother will likely hate you for taking her place
- He is more likely to see you as competition instead of a partner in life.
- He is more likely to be catty, manipulative and/or passive aggressive when you don’t do what he wants.
- He is more likely to hate and fear feminism; yet, seek to live a feminist lifestyle, with a woman carrying his burdens as well as her own.
- He is more likely to be deeply insecure and have low self-worth, because he was rejected by his own father. Such a man will seek to bring you down to his level through verbal, emotional and, often, physical abuse.
- He will probably NEVER trust you, but will test your “loyalty” to him at every turn, while destroying any trust you may have had in him.
- And he is more likely to be emotionally detached from you and any children you may have together, even if he bothers to marry you.
This description of fatherless men knows no ethnicity. I’ve seen these traits in men who are White, Black and Hispanic. I know a woman who married a fatherless man and, according to her, he displays three of the seven traits listed above, but what bothers her most is the last. They have three children, they all live in the same house, yet she is raising their precious children alone. Don’t let this be you.
A Father’s Love Is One of The Greatest Powers to Impact a Child’s Development By preventdisease.com
Another Fatherless Male Attacks… His Own Mother! | Black Female Culture