I am certain that you have all noticed that whenever another Black person wants you (if you are a Black woman) to do something, say or not say something, or pretend to feel something – such as physical attraction to random Black men, and you refuse their wishes, their first reaction is to accuse you of hating yourself. The question is why?
Is this a legitimate belief on their part? If you’ve been accused, did you believe that the accuser was genuinely concerned about your well-being? Has the accusation of “self-hate” ever changed the way that you live your life? Did you un-friend someone because of the accusation? Did you change the way you wear your hair or the way that you dress? Did you stop participating in an activity that you enjoyed because of the accusation? Did you end a relationship with a man the accuser did not approve of, because your feelings for him demonstrated (in their mind anyway) “self-hate”?
Frankly, I think Black folks throw the words “self-hate” around way too much, and often in contexts where it has no place. It is getting to the point where the phrase “self-hate” is ridiculous and has no meaning. And the very public campaign to abolish “self-hate” (in Black women only) has become equally ridiculous. It’s ridiculous because it isn’t based on any kind of internal discovery of self-worth or self-esteem, but solely on the texture of the keratin protein sprouting from one’s scalp and what you do with it once it’s arrived.
Oh, by the way, you should be made aware that if your hair is not tightly coiled, it doesn’t count when you “go natural.”… Or so I’ve been told. And for some anti-“self-hate” gurus even going natural is not enough. You must also keep your natural hair super short, and avoid using any kind of styling product that may give it definition or shine. Please, don’t ask me to explain the reason why. It makes no sense, and I can’t make sense of non-sense.
I’m not sure what the belief system of the people most likely to accuse you of “self-hate” tells you, but it tells me that certain people believe that hating oneself is only for Black women who’s hair doesn’t have a naturally loose curl pattern and isn’t worshiping and waiting around for a Black “kang”. No one else. This fact alone should be reason enough to ignore anyone who throws around the words “self-hate”.
When non-Black women get relaxers, curly perms, wear afros, cornrows, weaves and have plastic surgery to achieve larger breasts and buttocks, and then only date outside of their sociological “race”, are people screaming “self-hate” at them? NO. Never! When Black men create thousands of videos, write rap songs, and give media interviews to promote White supremacy are they accused of “self-hate”? NO. … Well, except by Black women like me who see it for what it is. If none of these other people are guilty of “self-hate” why are Black women who “perm” their hair and/or love a non-Black man?
You’ll find that Black women who are engaged in self-destructive behaviors and abusive relationships (as long as they’re with Black men) are never accused of “self-hate”. Suspicious, don’t you think?
Like every Black woman I know, who has refused to live and love inside of someone else’s box, I have been accused of “self-hate”, but I wrote this post with my friend, Monica (not her real name), in mind. She takes the accusation to heart. I never have, because the people who make the accusation are often living lives that demonstrate a level of true “self-hate” that is quite sickening. In fact the woman who accused Monica of “self-hate” is living with a man who sleeps with seven other woman – that she knows about, and she pretends to be flattered that a man who “can have so many other women” would want her as well. SMH.
In addition to housing this man, she feeds and clothes him and buys his illegitimate children from past, and I’m sure present, relationships clothes and toys in hopes that they will approve of her. The whole thing is sick and sad, but that did not stop this pathetic shell of a woman from accusing my friend of hating herself because 1) she doesn’t wear her hair natural, 2) she doesn’t think British actor Idris Elba is gorgeous (neither do I, BTW), and 3) her new boyfriend, just like her previous two boyfriends, is White.
So, like I told Monica, the next time someone accuses you of “self-hate”, consider the source and ignore them.