I think the single biggest mistake that psychologically healthy, well-meaning Black women make is attempting to “cure” ignorant, damaged Black folks of their disorders. It’s a waste of time, it’s a waste of energy, and it rarely (if ever) works. Has it ever worked? Feel free to share a tale or two, but don’t be surprised if I’m skeptical.
For example: I know multiple Black women who have wasted enough of their hard earned income over the years, to have million dollar IRA accounts by now, on useless relatives who want nothing more from life than to have their sloth financed by everybody (anybody) else. AND they have trained these people to EXPECT hand-outs from them and others. This is not good.
My cousin, whom I’ve mentioned in this post, is still doing it, despite acknowledging that she is NOT really helping her freeloading sister, in the long run. What will become of her sister, and her family if she dies suddenly? They will be homeless and helpless. All they have learned is helplessness.
As toxic as that dynamic is, it’s not even half as bad as training people to expect you to put up with their ass-holery just because they happen to share similar pigmentation and ancestry. This is un-doubtly the worst thing we (as BW) can do! And I don’t mean your family members or your friends, I’m referring to the many STRANGERS who believe that because you are both of African descent, you OWE them you time and attention. This mindset poses the greatest danger to Black women as a group, especially when dealing with damaged Black men. And it’s been so widely accepted by so many American BW (and therefore society at large) that it’s difficult to diminish it’s effect on our daily lives. But, for the sake of our survival, we MUST start picking away at the notion that we owe anyone of any complexion, ethnicity, nationality, etcetera and so forth ANYTHING. And we must start now.
The manifestation of this mind set is varied. At the more benign end of the spectrum, you have men DEMANDING that you smile at them. As infuriating as that is, it’s comparatively benign. In the middle, you have people who tell you that in order to be “officially Black” (according to their high standards) you must destroy any and all chances you may have had at a happy life and prosperous future. This is the “you must be un-educated, un-employable, unhappy and generally un-likeable to truly be Black” model that so many foolish Black Americans promote and embrace as their identity. At the other end of the spectrum, YOUR rape and/or murder is seen as “justified” because you are a Black woman / girl and he is an entitled Black man. And far too often, other BW will stand on the other side promoting the insane/evil belief (to all of society) that there is nothing a BM can do wrong, so long as his victim is a BW/BG.
I don’t know if you heard about an incident that took place early last year, where a BM asked a BW if he could buy her a drink and she said “No thanks” and his response was attempted murder with a 12-pound bowling ball! If you have never heard this story before, here’s a couple of links regarding it. http://cbsloc.al/14TGOpx and http://bit.ly/113vq9V. In the second link, you’ll notice that the story was reported from the POV that Black women should just go along to get along when approached by BM, no matter how outrageously disrespectful they may be.
My POV is call the police ANYTIME any man, especially a BM, acts like he doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “NO”. If they can learn to feel entitled to our time and attention, they can un-learn it as well. In my experience, a short chat with a uniformed police officer usually does the trick. A strange man will NEVER bother you again.
There’s very little that men hate more (especially BM) than being informed that their behavior is offensive and uncalled-for by another man, especially one who can haul his ass off to an iron cage with an open toilet in it. It’s something that he already knows, but doesn’t care about until forced to. We must force them to acknowledge that their bad behavior toward us is not “cool”, or we are doomed to always feel unsafe when in their presence. And I, for one, refuse to live like that. Do not be afraid to put 911 on your cell phone’s speed dial.
The thing that I found most shocking when reading about the bowling ball crime, was not that a BM would do such a thing or even that there were BM who were trying to justify the crime (that’s par for the course), but that there were numerous BW also trying to explain why refusing a drink from a strange man makes a Black woman’s life expendable. Some of the comments I read on a few sites were nothing less than insane! Which is why I did not link to those sites. I was pleasantly surprised that the vast majority of ladies at Madame Noire weren’t drinking the typical BC Koolaid, on this topic. It gave me hope, and still does.
Before we can expect the public at large to take our safety and well-being seriously, we as Black women must take it seriously. And this means that there must also be consequences for those BW who choose to hurt our group by making violence against us acceptable, and normalizing apathy regarding our safety. Publicly and privately shunning these women may be necessary. We should shun anyone who has already demonstrated – by word or action – that they despise BW and celebrate violence and cruelty directed at BW and girls. This is absolutely necessary. Words and actions that support our abuse and degradation MUST have consequences, regardless of the perpetrators ethnicity or gender. This destructive mindset, and its acceptance, must be shut down!
And make no mistake, the BW who promote and support violence against BW and apathy regarding our safety are as great a danger to the rest of us as the damaged men they defend and support, and they should be treated with the same level of vigilance and contempt. Anyone who would take the side of a man who has proven himself to be a violent, BW hating psychopath is just as much your enemy as that violent man. She may even lure you to your death on behalf of such a man. Remove such women from your inner circle, no matter how closely related they may be.
Now, I know what some of you may be thinking: “If I believe that another BW might be capable of change, shouldn’t I give her the chance to before cutting her out of my life?” My answer: NO! … If you would not make the same allowances for a Black MAN, or a non-Black man or woman, why make allowances for Black women, who are in a better position to do you harm, if they so choose?
As difficult as it may be to believe, there are actual Black women out there in our society purposely trying to make life harder for other Black women. It’s not a matter of “not knowing any better”, they are aware of what they are doing. It’s premeditated. I come across such women, online, at least once a week. I have met such women face to face. Came across one just yesterday, while out with my husband. Such women want to further impair the image of BW among non-Blacks (specifically men), and have taken it upon themselves to promote negative media stereotypes of BW in real life, “for the good of the Black community”, meaning Black men.
They actually believe that keeping “uppity Black women” – meaning those of us who think we deserve to be treated well and live a comfortable life – down will help Black men keep their BW harems intact and prevent them from having to compete romantically, on a level playing field (no grade curve for being Black), with non-BM, which these women believe their “Black kangs” are too pathetic to do.
Note: Someone should really inform these chicks that BM know that women like them believe that BM are incapable of competing with non-BM and hate them for it.
And yes, I am aware that the Black folks who see anything negative and destructive as a “Black thang” and anything positive and uplifting as a “White thing” are filled with a self-loathing, that they were probably spoon fed from birth, BUT that doesn’t make you responsible for their lives. If they care enough to improve their own lives and their sense of self, they can and will seek out knowledge and guidance, just as you have. But trying to spoon feed commonsense to fools and felons is a waste of your time and energy. Instead, lead by example.
Expend your time and energy improving your own life. People who want better lives look to those who already have that better life, for guidance. Hand-holding damaged people, who are content to remain stuck wherever they are, will only boost their sense of entitlement to your time, energy, and whatever else you’ll give them. Nothing more.