I think the single biggest mistake that psychologically healthy, well-meaning Black women make is attempting to “cure” ignorant, damaged Black folks of their disorders. It’s a waste of time, it’s a waste of energy, and it rarely (if ever) works. Has it ever worked? Feel free to share a tale or two, but don’t be surprised if I’m skeptical.
For example: I know multiple Black women who have wasted enough of their hard earned income over the years, to have million dollar IRA accounts by now, on useless relatives who want nothing more from life than to have their sloth financed by everybody (anybody) else. AND they have trained these people to EXPECT hand-outs from them and others. This is not good.
My cousin, whom I’ve mentioned in this post, is still doing it, despite acknowledging that she is NOT really helping her freeloading sister, in the long run. What will become of her sister, and her family if she dies suddenly? They will be homeless and helpless. All they have learned is helplessness.
As toxic as that dynamic is, it’s not even half as bad as training people to expect you to put up with their ass-holery just because they happen to share similar pigmentation and ancestry. This is un-doubtly the worst thing we (as BW) can do! And I don’t mean your family members or your friends, I’m referring to the many STRANGERS who believe that because you are both of African descent, you OWE them you time and attention. This mindset poses the greatest danger to Black women as a group, especially when dealing with damaged Black men. And it’s been so widely accepted by so many American BW (and therefore society at large) that it’s difficult to diminish it’s effect on our daily lives. But, for the sake of our survival, we MUST start picking away at the notion that we owe anyone of any complexion, ethnicity, nationality, etcetera and so forth ANYTHING. And we must start now.
The manifestation of this mind set is varied. At the more benign end of the spectrum, you have men DEMANDING that you smile at them. As infuriating as that is, it’s comparatively benign. In the middle, you have people who tell you that in order to be “officially Black” (according to their high standards) you must destroy any and all chances you may have had at a happy life and prosperous future. This is the “you must be un-educated, un-employable, unhappy and generally un-likeable to truly be Black” model that so many foolish Black Americans promote and embrace as their identity. At the other end of the spectrum, YOUR rape and/or murder is seen as “justified” because you are a Black woman / girl and he is an entitled Black man. And far too often, other BW will stand on the other side promoting the insane/evil belief (to all of society) that there is nothing a BM can do wrong, so long as his victim is a BW/BG.
I don’t know if you heard about an incident that took place early last year, where a BM asked a BW if he could buy her a drink and she said “No thanks” and his response was attempted murder with a 12-pound bowling ball! If you have never heard this story before, here’s a couple of links regarding it. http://cbsloc.al/14TGOpx and http://bit.ly/113vq9V. In the second link, you’ll notice that the story was reported from the POV that Black women should just go along to get along when approached by BM, no matter how outrageously disrespectful they may be.
My POV is call the police ANYTIME any man, especially a BM, acts like he doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “NO”. If they can learn to feel entitled to our time and attention, they can un-learn it as well. In my experience, a short chat with a uniformed police officer usually does the trick. A strange man will NEVER bother you again.
There’s very little that men hate more (especially BM) than being informed that their behavior is offensive and uncalled-for by another man, especially one who can haul his ass off to an iron cage with an open toilet in it. It’s something that he already knows, but doesn’t care about until forced to. We must force them to acknowledge that their bad behavior toward us is not “cool”, or we are doomed to always feel unsafe when in their presence. And I, for one, refuse to live like that. Do not be afraid to put 911 on your cell phone’s speed dial.
The thing that I found most shocking when reading about the bowling ball crime, was not that a BM would do such a thing or even that there were BM who were trying to justify the crime (that’s par for the course), but that there were numerous BW also trying to explain why refusing a drink from a strange man makes a Black woman’s life expendable. Some of the comments I read on a few sites were nothing less than insane! Which is why I did not link to those sites. I was pleasantly surprised that the vast majority of ladies at Madame Noire weren’t drinking the typical BC Koolaid, on this topic. It gave me hope, and still does.
Before we can expect the public at large to take our safety and well-being seriously, we as Black women must take it seriously. And this means that there must also be consequences for those BW who choose to hurt our group by making violence against us acceptable, and normalizing apathy regarding our safety. Publicly and privately shunning these women may be necessary. We should shun anyone who has already demonstrated – by word or action – that they despise BW and celebrate violence and cruelty directed at BW and girls. This is absolutely necessary. Words and actions that support our abuse and degradation MUST have consequences, regardless of the perpetrators ethnicity or gender. This destructive mindset, and its acceptance, must be shut down!
And make no mistake, the BW who promote and support violence against BW and apathy regarding our safety are as great a danger to the rest of us as the damaged men they defend and support, and they should be treated with the same level of vigilance and contempt. Anyone who would take the side of a man who has proven himself to be a violent, BW hating psychopath is just as much your enemy as that violent man. She may even lure you to your death on behalf of such a man. Remove such women from your inner circle, no matter how closely related they may be.
Now, I know what some of you may be thinking: “If I believe that another BW might be capable of change, shouldn’t I give her the chance to before cutting her out of my life?” My answer: NO! … If you would not make the same allowances for a Black MAN, or a non-Black man or woman, why make allowances for Black women, who are in a better position to do you harm, if they so choose?
As difficult as it may be to believe, there are actual Black women out there in our society purposely trying to make life harder for other Black women. It’s not a matter of “not knowing any better”, they are aware of what they are doing. It’s premeditated. I come across such women, online, at least once a week. I have met such women face to face. Came across one just yesterday, while out with my husband. Such women want to further impair the image of BW among non-Blacks (specifically men), and have taken it upon themselves to promote negative media stereotypes of BW in real life, “for the good of the Black community”, meaning Black men.
They actually believe that keeping “uppity Black women” – meaning those of us who think we deserve to be treated well and live a comfortable life – down will help Black men keep their BW harems intact and prevent them from having to compete romantically, on a level playing field (no grade curve for being Black), with non-BM, which these women believe their “Black kangs” are too pathetic to do.
Note: Someone should really inform these chicks that BM know that women like them believe that BM are incapable of competing with non-BM and hate them for it.
And yes, I am aware that the Black folks who see anything negative and destructive as a “Black thang” and anything positive and uplifting as a “White thing” are filled with a self-loathing, that they were probably spoon fed from birth, BUT that doesn’t make you responsible for their lives. If they care enough to improve their own lives and their sense of self, they can and will seek out knowledge and guidance, just as you have. But trying to spoon feed commonsense to fools and felons is a waste of your time and energy. Instead, lead by example.
Expend your time and energy improving your own life. People who want better lives look to those who already have that better life, for guidance. Hand-holding damaged people, who are content to remain stuck wherever they are, will only boost their sense of entitlement to your time, energy, and whatever else you’ll give them. Nothing more.
Black Female Culture 
I agree that black women should be more proactive in fighting back against street harassment, but often the police don’t do anything anyway. Why risk making things worse by calling the cops only to be left alone with the person who was harassing you? I’ve read about things like this happening to black women who called the cops. Doesn’t calling the cops put black women in greater danger, if they get no assistance from them?
Also, when you have family members who think it’s no big deal that you are harassed and you have to live with those people how do you shun them, or get them out of your life? It’s not really possible. IMHO. You are stuck with them until you can move away, if you can move away.
Sometimes you have no choice but to waste your time and energy on people you don’t want around.
When I was a teenager (19), a middle-aged BM I had never seen before followed me from my friend’s house to a Day’s Inn, where I went to escape him and call the cops. This was late at night, about 10:30pm. I was walking home because it was Summer and I only lived 8 blocks away. He had been shouting, “HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!” at me the entire time, which made me walk even faster. The police did come and he was STILL outside the Day’s Inn waiting for me to come out. So this nutcase knew I was trying to get away from him.
He was surprised that I called the police. When they questioned him about why he was following me home and his intentions, he tried to play it off as wanting directions to a bus stop, when he had passed three clearly marked bus stops chasing me. Including one with a weather booth, that was only a block away from the Day’s Inn. Anyway, I was taken home by a female officer, who had been called to the scene and he was taken in for questioning. I think he was under suspicion for something else, I’m not sure. No charges were pressed, since there was no evidence of a crime and he could claim that he was just heading the same way and wanted directions like he had told them, and I had no proof otherwise. He hadn’t got the chance to actually hurt me, though I was scared half to death at the time.
My point is, I waited till I was safely inside the Days Inn before calling the cops. It would have been foolish to try calling them before I reached a safe place, even if I had a cell phone, which I did not at that time. This happened many years ago. Also I never walked alone at night ever again after that.
As far as you being stuck with people in your household, MOVE OUT! I know an elderly woman who had to sell her own home and move to a retirement community to get rid of her freeloading sons. You may have to move out and leave those folks you live with sitting there looking stupid too. And I agree with Karen. You should not let people know you are trying to leave them behind, because they will try to stop you. Make no mistake about that!
When I read your comment all I could think was “WOW”. So, old boy was waiting for you to come out. That’s pretty bold. If you had not called the police for help you may not even be here today. I wish more BW would do what you did. Fewer of us would have to deal with such brazen harassment if that were the case.
Thank you for sharing your story! 🙂
I don’t think I would be here today either. It’s not like the police go out of their way to find missing BW and children. It was a terrifying experience and I have gone to great lengths to prevent a repeat.
Unfortunate but very true. Hopefully, some young woman will read your comment and think twice about walking alone at night.
This reminds me of the movie, Sleeping with the Enemy, which was based on a true story. The wife was in an abusive marriage but she had a plan of action. She pretended to be afraid of water while secretly taking swimming classes at the YWCA even though she was wealthy through marriage. She had a secret stash or money and clothing even though her husband only allowed her to work only part time. My point is that she had a plan of action and she was secretive of all her plans.
Btw, if a person does not have your best interest at heart you are not obligated to share your plans with them even if it is your own mother. Mothers’ especially some Black mothers will throw their daughters under the bus before any stranger would. Heck if theyare stuck in dysfunction they want their daughter’s right beside them.
I saw that movie for the first time two years ago and I loved it! It is a movie every BW needs to watch, because we tell people what we are going to do and how we are going to do it way too much. I know BW who announce to their family and friends that they are going to start “dating out” or start their own business or return to college, and get nothing in return but naysaying and roadblocks. Not wise at all. It’s like telling people, “here’s what you should stop me from dong…” I say, Don’t tell, just do!
That is exactly right!
I have a good friend who had to move away from her own mother, because after she lost a tremendous amount of weight – more than 100 pounds – her mother’s attempts to sabotage her became more brazen and successful, and she started regaining weight. Now, she is back on track and has lost more than 120 pounds and she looks fantastic! Like a completely different woman. Her mom is still throwing venom her way, but now it’s from a distance, so she’s hitting nothing but air. 😆 BW need to get serious about distancing themselves from their enemies. Even if it’s mom or dad.
@sweetipie, There are always choices. The real question is whether a person is prepared to make them.
Yes, you can leave, it takes time, patience and planning (using stealth). It is also quite effective to mentally shun people up until the time that you can physically escape (I know from personal experience). Therefore, the issue of police protection becomes less of an issue as you are no longer in area dominated by BM predators and their BW enablers. I speak from the perspective of having escaped and I have never looked back at Blackistan since leaving it.
I could not agree with you more. Sweetpie does have choices. Let’s hope she makes the right one.
Thank you for sharing your experience! 🙂
I definitely want to move away, but right now I don’t make very much and I have to give a lot of my money to my mom to help her out with bills and groceries and other things. I don\t have anyone else I can go live with so I can’t say no, and she is making it hard for me to save anything. I feel like I’m stuck.
No. Not calling the police, from a safe location as Kendra described, is dangerous. Think what would have happened to her if she had not called the police. The man was waiting for her to come out of the building! He had probably done it before, and was accustomed to getting away with making random BW feel unsafe. He may have been a serial rapist or a murderer and she was to be his next victim. There’s really no way to know. Point is, we do not have to put up with that crap, from ANYONE at ANYTIME. It’s a choice: the illusion of safety (doing nothing) versus real safety (doing something).
If you believe that the police officers you call may not take you and your issue with being harassed by strange men seriously, get their names and write it down before you even start the report. Tell them you want to remember who you spoke to about the problem you’re having. Their not stupid, they will understand that if they do nothing to help you, or worse leave you vulnerable to an attack, they will be in deep s.h.i.t.. That is something you can guarantee them caring about, regardless of any bias they may have!
I agree with the other commenters. You can get away, but you need to decide that you are going to do it, and make a plan. If it means you will have to stop buying certain non-necessities and lie to your mother about needing to save up to buy something non-threatening to her agenda to keep you at home with her, like a video camera, iphone, computer, or car, then so be it. Whatever it takes to keep her hands out of your wallet! You need to save as much as possible and move out as soon as you have enough to make first and last month’s rent and a security deposit. Check your local paper’s rental section and see what is being charged in the quieter, multicultural areas of your town, and make that your savings goal.
And as Karen and cns have said, you need to use stealth. Tell NO ONE that you plan to move away. Not even your closest friends. I’ve learned the hard way that most people are incapable of keeping other people’s secrets to themselves. Gossiping makes them feel important. And some might try to make you feel guilty for leaving your mom behind. Don’t give them a chance. Show no sign of discontent with your living situation and save save save.
Good luck!
You also mentioned that you don’t make very much money. It might be a good time to set a career goal or make some job changes. I would use the internet to find free career workshops in the area or (out of the area). These workshops usually offer free computer training and job placements. Also visit your local unemployment office. You would be surprise what type of jobs are offered there. Usually entry level government jobs. They will also offer you free resume building, interview training and job placement. You don’t have to unemployment to take advantage of these programs. Use the internet or apartment guide to find a place to live in as others have suggested in a culturally diverse community. Don’t listen to what others say as what is too expensive to live. Do the research and find out on your own. People who have lived on section 8 or government housing have no concept of reality so they cannot give your reasonable advice on where to live. Again, remember to keep your plans a secret. Best wishes and keep us undated. I would love to hear your progress.
Thank you to everyone for the tips! I’m definitely going to try and use what I learned. I heard about free job training for computers in my area but because I already know how to use one I never thought to sign up. I didn’t know I could get a job that way. Thank you cns!
You are welcome. I have actually used these resources, so I know they work. My situation was similarity to yours. I made plans and secretly saved money, so please don’t tell anyone what you are up to and best wishes to you.
I have a section 8 voucher and I live in a very safe neighborhood in AZ. I have another friend that has one and she live in a good neighborhood. Has a big house and back yard. I had to leave the South because I got tired of people hoping I don’t do any better. They were gleeful that my child and I were homeless. My own mother had three extra bedrooms and would not let me stay with her. I’m not some ghetto trash and had a good job but lost it and things went bad for me and my baby. I have 2 licences and skilled. When I got more on my feet a year later I moved to AZ and the section 8 voucher helped me get out of that jungle.
I do advise you and other on this blog to be careful about who you put down. I have an oow child that I had at 31 and does that make me one of those dbrbw that bwe blogs talk about so much? Sorry but I’m not attacking you personally. But I just feel a lot of these blogs don’t reach out to those black females that are lower income.
I understand if you’re frustrated with what’s going on in your life and some of the blogs that you’ve visited, but coming here with a chip on your shoulder is not going to win you any friends over here.
Well that was 7 years ago. But being on those blogs where hate is so displayed I just don’t understand how one can be so full of hate, Some are on different than the anti black female sites with the quoting of phony stats about black women and how we are diseased and nobody wants us. You act like I accused your site of being like that. Not the case. Also I do not have a chip on my shoulder. Wow the only time i hear that phrase is when whites say it to blacks that talk about racism. I wasn’t even mad or upset when I typed that. A lot of bwe site are very classest and that can’t be denied. Was not calling yours that if fact it is one of the only ones I can stand to read and also Not your girl friday which I love. I’m sure there are some other bwe sites out there I have yet to visit that I might like. Also I’m not trying to win any friends here or anywhere else.As I stated in my last comment I was not attacking anyone, just making a comment.
@sweetiepie, FLEE, FLEE, FLEE. Your mom is using you and you are helping her with her bills. Save your money even if you have to get a studio. Your sanity depends on it.
Adult abuse is the only abuse that been accepted as normal. No, find out if they have food banks and just make that move slowly because your mom is codependent and you have to gradually ween her off you. Please get a second job as a waitress or what ever side job to move out so you can have your life back. You will accomplish this because you are a very persistent person. Please keep us informed. Also find out what kind of help your mom
can receive so she won’t have this shock factor. You know parasites I mean people will scold Black Women for being a golddigger if she wants someone with means, but yet they are fleecing Black women at record rate. Who is really the golddigger out of this equation?
You’re right! The only people who accuse BW of being gold diggers, in my experience, want BW to either settle for them, because they are ambitionless losers who have no intention of EVER doing anything worthwhile with their lives and don’t want to compete with men who are actually DOING (I delete comments from such trolls every week). Or they are people who simply want BW to give give give and expect NOTHING in return.
Unfortunately, this gaslighting technique has worked with a more than a few Black women. Hence, the 70%+ OOW birth rate and other problems in the “Black community”.
You are so right! I hear all the time especially from other black women that black women should not expect anything. We need to do for self but they never tell black men that. We are expected to take care of them. If a black woman is a sahm she is a lazy no good woman. But if she is working and taking care of a negro that just sits at home, eat up all her food and drives her car with other women in it, she is a good woman. Why are blacks so comfortable with our women being men and men taking on female traits. It’s ok for them to be weak but not us. We have to be shemales. I refuse to give up my womanhood. When talking to other bw they get mad at me and say I”m lazy because I think a man should be a provider and not look at what a bf is bringing to the table. I date online and when a black male contacts me the first question he ask me is “what do I do for a living” It never fails. Even if he does not have a pic up I know they are black. They are trolling around looking for a woman to take care of them. Well negro you wont be living free off me.
Any woman who is telling you that you’re lazy because you don’t want to have a “house husband” who does absolutely nothing but breathe, eat and take up space in your home is an idiot. I’m glad you’re not falling for that okey doke. Only Black Americans push that nonsense on the women folk.
Also, as far as single moms are concerned, I have nothing against women who have had a child OOW. … Unless they encourage other young women to go down that same road. I DEFINITELY have a problem with women like that! The crabs in a barrel thing needs to go!
As far as other BW’s income is concerned, I could care less. As long as you don’t resent me for doing well and being happy (I get enough of that in real life) I have nothing but love for ya. 🙂
I have no reason to resent you, Hell I want to be like you. lol! But seriously Black women definently need to support each other and encourage them to do better. I’ve had so much hate thrown at me because my last bf was a doctor, another was a lawyer, a sports agent and a banker. Men that had careers and their own stuff. These women with their low self esteem thought I did not deserve that. They did date men like that so who in the hell am I to think I can. I was called a slut, whore and a golddigger. Only because I want better for my one child. See I learned from my first time around. I could barely afford the one child so not trying to have several others I cant afford.I can’t stand all of that baby daddy drama. Lots of children really hurts your chances of getting a good quality husband. These females try to drag you down in the gutter with them. I had a former friend that tried to tell me my bf of over 3 years was out of my league. Majority of these women were so called upper class. Had husbands and lived in nice houses but they didn’t think I deserved the same. Several of them have tried to get with my ex bf’s One ended up getting divorced and became homeless chasing after the men I didn’t deserve. You said I was frustrated with my life, more like frustrated with other black females that are so spiteful, petty and jealous. I guess it just came out in my earlier comment. Like I said not attacking anyone here just my observations. You stay happy and keep living your life for you and yours. Peace.
I hope you can understand how saying things like: “I do advise you and other on this blog to be careful about who you put down.” can come off as having a chip on one’s shoulder. This is my blog. I make the rules, no one else. I will not allow flame wars on my blog now or ever. So, if that is a concern you needn’t worry. I have no problem with banning people.
@mswanda…I don’t know if you still comment here, but I hope you’ll keep reading. I found this blog recently and there’s a lot of wisdom here.
Well, I think it is pretty standard to ask somebody what they do for a living, but it can be a red flag if that is all the person wants to talk about. There is one WW who dislikes me because I’m a sahm but she’s one, too! I agree…many people are uncomfortable with a Black woman being loved and cherished and cared for, but they expect us to bear all the burdens of the world.
That’s classic MN. I’m can’t be surprised by that garbage article simply because I’ve seen a lot of the site and similar to CLUTCH mag their articles and people are just so completely toxic. I simply stay away from them now. I’ve seen those people excuse a lot of stuff and it sickens me.
I agree with you wasting our time and energy (which are the most valuable resources) are just too damaging to black women. I think it goes further too, not only are some black women excusing this in real life while refusing to call the cops, but then they get into black community zombie zones and waste even more time “debating” these issues with people who clearly don’t care if they live or die.
NO. Like you advised always call the cops. No excuses, No second chances. My safety, my life will always come first. And as you said SHUN and SHAME anyone who tries to stop you from putting your safety first.
Madame Noire has a bad habit of writing such stories from a “it’s better to just go with it” point of view, that’s why I never go to their blog unless I want to read something specific – like that news story. I was very proud of the commenters there though, because they were not having any of it. It’s nice to know that there are plenty of BW who are rational and have a basic sense of survival.
BW are the only people trying to debate with their enemies. Do you see Jews debating with neo-Nazis and other anti-semites? No! Because they know that such people will probably never change and they aren’t living their lives with the hope that they will someday love and embrace them. That would be foolish. And it’s foolish for us to do that as well.
I wrote a similar blog post about escaping nihilistic family members at the beginning of this year. Mind you, I only got through Part I because the post was sent anonymously to my mother by email, who demanded to know why I did not want anything to do with my freeloading, troublesome, headed for jail brother. My response was why would she want to spend her life dealing with someone like that? We should never excuse the behavior of family members when we would not accept this same behavior if done by strangers. We should never try to justify the emotional and verbal abuse people who are “family” bring on us. Blood may be deeper than water…but it’s not that deep.
So, someone wanted to get your mom mad at you, without you finding them out? Very cowardly. You should write part 2. Your mother already knows how you feel. BTW, could you share a link to part one? I’d like to read it.
I could not agree more.
Certainly, here is the link to the post I did:
http://theliberette.blogspot.com/2013/03/when-being-blood-isnt-enough-part-i.html
Thank you.
I read this one on a BWE blog, “Blood is thicker than water, but you can drown in both.” I will never forget that one. A person can literally and figuratively drown in blood. Now whenever I hear a person use phrase blood is thicker than water, I use my internal guide to limit my interactions with them.
Black Female Culture – ‘As difficult as it may be to believe, there are actual Black women out there in our society purposely trying to make life harder for other Black women. It’s not a matter of “not knowing any better”, they are aware of what they are doing. It’s premeditated. I come across such women, online, at least once a week. I have met such women face to face. Came across one just yesterday, while out with my husband.’
So black women were mean mugging you when you were out with your husband. What happened and how did you respond to them? And do you already have an article posted where you discuss how to deal with racist blacks or anyone else who disapproves of black women dating/marrying out – even as they themselves date/marry whoever they want? FYI – This article is so on point. Agree 100%. I have two older brothers. The older one is married and takes care of his kids. The younger brother had multiple kids with his high school girlfriend whom he abandoned and never married. Who then moved in with new girlfriend and got her pregnant – And the couple was warned by a relative while they were still in high school to be responsible – finish school and get jobs. They chose to ignore that advice.
I also have two women friends whom I’ve known since childhood who had kids with loser black men who are either abusive or whose lives are going nowhere financially – low wage jobs. The older sister is taking care of the younger sister’s multiple kids, because she’s a drug addict and in an abusive relationship. I cut contact with them because – besides the fact that I’m not a billionaire and that I need to save my money and resources for myself to survive on the planet 😉 😉 😉 – I have also heard stories of black women trying to help other people, only to be harmed or killed themselves or how some people like to use black women as mammy mules or atms. Although the older sister is a good person for taking care of her sister’s four kids – who plans to have more – so they don’t end up abused in foster care – She doesn’t have much money and this will ruin her financially for life, and she will forever be broke.
I’m in my early 30’s now, and my goal in life right now is to coach people as a personal life coach and to get married. I never desired to have kids, so it would be strange for me to take care of other peoples’ – whether its friends, family, or strangers. I’m not responsible for other peoples’ poor life decisions. And I’m also not responsible for the people who refused to plan their life properly, and chose to have multiple kids without adequate money or resources – but have no problem asking black women for their money or resources.
Oh, it was a lot more than mean mugging. She first walked past us and then circled around to me, and began ranting about how BW today think they’re too good for a brotha. Now, me and my husband have experienced this foolishness many times before, so we did what we usually do and just kept on walking. She actually followed us. That was new, but her taunts were not. She said, “If it wasn’t for a BM you wouldn’t even exist!” No response, so she kept on trying. “I don’t care how much of whoever else you got in you, in America you are still Black!” When that failed to get a response, she tried the “There’s plenty of good BM out here, but stuck up b*tches like you won’t even look at them!” spiel. She continued on and on for nearly 5 minutes, though it felt longer.
So, I’m tired of listening to this crazy broad, and I just want to shop in peace. (We were in Walmart shopping for groceries, by the way.) So, when she takes a breather from her ranting, I turn to her and ask: Are you done? Have you said everything you need to say? She paused a moment and gives me the evil eyes before finally saying “Yes!”. I said: Great! Have a nice life. She looked enraged, and I’m pretty sure that if my tall, strapping husband wasn’t standing right next to me she would have attacked me, but she just stomped off.
It was kind of obvious from the get that she wanted me to engage with her in a “ghetto girl” war of words, in full view of my husband and the other customers. She, and the other BW, who have pulled this nonsense on me in the past (though she’s the first to actually follow me), are really not much different from the WW who have done the same thing to me. They just take a different approach. Example: the former employee at my job. The only difference between them (as far as I can tell) is that the WW are hoping to damage my reputation so that they can put me out of a job (hurt me economically). And the BW are hoping to embarrass me and damage my image in the eyes of someone I love (hurting me socially / romantically). They are basically two sides of the same crazy/racist coin, they just have different approaches and agendas. And both groups are like the BM who wish to hurt BW both socially and economically whenever possible, and non-Black racists (of both genders) who want to do the same.
The best way to deal with such people is to deny them what they want from you. When you don’t give your enemies what they want from you – in this case, an angry and PUBLIC reaction – you win and they lose. I think I’m going to write a post on this. Thank you, Keisha, for giving me the idea. 🙂 I’ve discussed this subject on other blogs, but I’ve never written a post about dealing with this behavior before.
Good for you! You don’t have to want kids to make a lifelong commitment to someone you love and who loves you. I’ve never understood why so many BW don’t seem to understand this concept. Marriage is not just for having kids.
And I’m glad to hear that you’re not taking responsibility for other people’s poor decisions. It just encourages them to continue making bad choices, knowing that someone else will come along and clean up their mess. Without consequences, for our actions and decisions, we are all lost.
I have a distant cousin who has a bunch of kids living with multiple people, and it is a disgrace. And while I am relieved that her children are not being made to suffer for her stupidity (or insanity), she has no reason to stop. The handful of times someone mentioned her to me over the past few years they were suspicious that she was pregnant “again”. And it later turned out that she was. SMH.
This type of irresponsible baby making and birthing is why I have no problem with forced sterilization of unfit parents. They have already bred, so why let them continue breeding when they do NOTHING for the children who already exist?
I know that viewpoint angers many Black Americans who don’t want to discuss the very real problems created by such parents and their unwanted, uncared for, improperly raised, if raised at all, offspring, but it needs to be faced honestly. Those children grow up and become a danger to the rest of us.
I had a black female that braids my child hair ask how can I date a white man. She said she was repulsed by it. But here she is weighing 350 pounds and dating a female. But hey at least she was a black female. lol Now what if I ask her how can she be gay. The weave would have been flying. But they think it’s okay to insult us because of our choices. I bet that sista that confronted you didn’t have a husband much less a bf. Probaly just man sharing. This is something that a lot of black women are in denial about. She has no right to get angry because you are happy and have a good man. Honey you are a lot better than me because you would have seen me on the national news. I been through too much dealing with females like her. I have a short fuse and little patiance for bs. If a black man so good wheres hers?
People who behave that way are infuriating. They have no right to tell me who I should love and to do so demonstrated an enormous sense of entitlement that I cannot stand. However, as angry as people like that make me, they are not worth going to jail over. And I suspect that some of these people want to incite us to violence so that they can play the victim. I worked with a WW like that.
BFC…dang, people are nuts! I’ve never understood people who confront, harass, or taunt complete strangers for no reason. I would have told that lady to mind her own damn business. If two people find love and their relationship hurts nobody else, everyone needs to back off. What a nutter. I’ve never had anyone openly do that to me…at least, not with my husband, but I was frequently harassed when I was with my ex-boyfriend.
Now what I have noticed is that when some people learn that my husband is white, they either pause and look momentarily surprised or their body language indicates discomfort. One person even said (may he rest in peace): “well, I guess it’s OK since you’re mixed anyway”. I thought it was funny because I don’t need anyone’s permission to love somebody. There is no rule stating that I have to be with a Black man only. Most BM have not treated me right, so why should I bother with them?
But you’re right…the best response is no response at all. The ignorance isn’t worth my time and attention. I’ve spent too many years crying over things I couldn’t change. As to children…with my ex, I knew that I made a mistake by being irresponsible so I had an abortion. I knew I couldn’t count on him and his family to help me with anything and I wasn’t financially prepared to take care of a baby. But to some people (esp. in the Black community) abortion is a no-no. You’re expected to have the baby and hope that the “baby daddy” won’t leave. You’re expected to struggle and sacrifice because that is what “strong” Black women do. And you’re expected to carry ALL the burden by yourself because commitment is for white people. Well, I wanted to have my baby but I also knew that from a logical standpoint it would be unwise to bring a child into an unstable situation. My ex’s family wanted me to be on welfare…there was no talk of what he would do or of his responsibilities. They were angry when I terminated the pregnancy. I was called every name in the book. I was told that I was selfish and rotten. They didn’t see anything wrong with the whole situation, nor their behavior towards me. But they have welcomed his new “baby mama” into their family with open arms…she is a white Latina. I doubt they’ve said anything about welfare to her.
This post is definitely food for thought, thanks so much for helping others gain the tools they need to live better lives.
Convincing BW to settle for being struggling “baby mamas” is one of the biggest con games of all time. If the kid turns out great – no self-esteem issues, no personality disorders, fully functional both personally and professionally (which is rarely the case) – the father, despite his lack of involvement or interest, gets to take credit. If the kid turns out damaged and troubled, because of the father’s lack of involvement or interest, he gets to blame the mother. In either case, the mother is in the same bad position because she foolishly valued the opinions of others over common sense and self-preservation. This is why I never advise women whether they should or should not have a child. Only they know if they can deal with the consequences of that choice. And the folks who have no interest in being of use to that woman or her child need to shut the hell up and go sit down someplace!
You ex’s family sounds racist/color-struck, self-centered and hypocritical. AND they’ve raised a serial baby daddy. What do you think the chances are that this guy will have yet another baby mama within five years? You dodged a bullet!
“This post is definitely food for thought, thanks so much for helping others gain the tools they need to live better lives.”
Thank you!
BBC you are so right about the con game. Even my pastor’s wife and other female members of my church told me that my child’s father owed me nothing. I thought I was in the twilight zone! How can another woman say such a thing? I was also told by sista Mary that I should just take care of my baby myself. It’s my job to take care of my own child.I began to question my sanity. I told my first lady “You always say what would Jesus do. So Jesus would say a man should not take care of his child” She said no He would not say that. I said to her why is she telling me that? But my pastor told me to keep that negro out of my life and he also said if he comes back to my house expecting me to feed him ” not to give that lowdown negro even a crust of bread”. Now this is a black man that gets it! Sometimes bw are your enemy more than a bm. The so called black church is the biggest enemy to black women. That’s when I began to realize that the bc is sick. No reason to try to make since out of it. Doing so will drive you insane. You are just suppose to shut up mule and get back to work.
I’m not surprised that you had a bunch of BW sticking up for the right of the BM to do absolutely NOTHING for his child but donate sperm (which was his pleasure, I’m sure). This attitude is the main reason it’s so easy for BM to abandon their children by the millions! Also, I’ve discovered that many BW will resent you for being happy with your life and choices, if you are also a BW. I get the most crap about my husband being White, the way I dress, the way I talk, and my tendency to smile (because I’m happy!) from BW. I can only presume to know why. I have gotten to a point where I just don’t care anymore. It’s not my problem, and I don’t owe anyone my unhappiness.
You are lucky, in that your minister understands your situation and cares more about you doing what is best for you and your child than trying to make things easier for a “brotha” to use you. That is very rare. And these women who want you to struggle to raise a child alone, did any of them offer to help you in anyway? Even just baby sitting? I’m guessing no. People like that love to see BW struggling and in pain. And, yes, that is sick!
Bfc, they never offered to help me with my child and when I was about to be homeless Sister Mary told her sister inlaw to not let me in to the low income apts that she managed. I think she told he sil that I was on drugs. I rarely even drink and I never done a drug in my life! They were so happy that I was homeless. My baby and I bounced from shelter to shelter from house to house. Even my own dbr mother had 3 extra bedrooms at her home and she would not let me stay with her. She even told my aunt that she was glad I was walking the streets and threatened to call cps on me because I was homeless. My other family members refused to help me and even told my cousin that would sometimes give a ride to work not to help me. I just don’t understand how someone could hate like that. I think my family hated me because I did not have that “black mindset” and I didn’t drink, get drunk, get high and be in the club all night. I worked a high paying job and kept to myself. So who was I to think I was somebody? So they were so happy to know I was homeless. I used the system and got a voucher for housing and after a year I left MS and never looked back. Been gone almost 8 years. I don’t miss any of them. I’m in AZ thriving. I’ve been able to date men that I could only dream of in MS. It would not have happened if I’d stayed. All I was exposed to was dbr bm and I was man sharing. Never had a real relationship till I moved to AZ. It’s so much easier to date ir out West than down South. Sometimes you just have to move to get what you want. So I encourage sistas in the hood to move. The things that are tolerated in the hood are not tolerated where I live. No street harassment or attacks. See how big and bad these males are when they are out of their element and environment.
@bfc…you’re right, they were (and still are) stuck in this toxic mentality despite the fact that most of his family are dark-skinned, kinky-haired people.
As far as I know, this girl is the only one he’s had a child with…but maybe there will be more in the future. Who knows? And yes, it goes to show that sometimes a person can turn out bad even when BOTH parents are seemingly well-educated and affluent Black people. Looking back, they were dysfunctional although they presented themselves as “classy” people. His mother came across as a very selfish, mean-spirited person despite her physical beauty. And his father, despite being married to a BW, had no problem with lusting after WW and other non-black females. He even cheated on his wife with a white lady, which produced my ex’s biracial half-sister.
So I agree, I definitely dodged a bullet. But I won’t lie…he put me through hell and when I found out last year (by accident) that his current girlfriend had given birth to a baby girl, it cut deep. I don’t love him anymore. I’m happily married to a man who, to my knowledge, has never been unfaithful and never disrespected me. But I guess the pain stemmed from realizing that no BW is ever really immune to being treated this way, me included. Other races of men do disrespect their women, but it seems like a lot of BM enjoy inflicting as much pain and emotional abuse as possible.
Yes, it does appear that way doesn’t it? 😦
Didn’t mean to make you rehash negative experiences with racist black women who NEVER lecture, scream, and follow black men in interracial relationships. There are black women who have been brainwashed to believe that if they don’t help other blacks who come to them for help. And that person spirals down into an abyss of poor life decisions, are becomes a victim – example – not taking in your brother’s multiple kids who later on become teen mothers, or who become drug addicts or prostitutes – black women believe its their fault if those bad things happened to those people because they should have helped them. And this is why black women should flee the black matrix. And I too think that any women or men should be forcefully sterilized, so they can’t have kids they can’t afford to take care of, who they might abuse, or who might have a family history of psychosis, or being a drug addict. Always exited to see when you post new articles.
It’s okay. If my experience helps someone else deal with this kind of asinine behavior I’m fine with sharing. It’s nice to come across a BW who agrees with my POV regarding forced sterilization. Not including myself, I now know four. LOL.
Yes, BW definitely need to stop buying into the whole “it’s my fault if other people make bad choices and I don’t fix their mistakes” thing. They will keep making bad choices until they have a good reason to stop. Like having to face the consequences of their choices.
Thank you! I’m planning to post again soon. 🙂
:::SCREAMS::: Hallelujah. I must reblog this in a few days. This post is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO on point. I’m printing it out and handing it to a few folks!
Thank you, Moxie! I appreciate it. 🙂
You are only responsible for yourself and children if you have them. I live in Chicago and we have
Congressman Bobby Rush and Senator Mark Kirk. Mark Kirk , white republican stated that we should lock up the gang members that are causing problems in certain neighborhoods in Chicago.
Bobby rush said he was an elitist white boy who doesn’t have a clue. Get this, many Alderman backed up what Bobby Rush said. Keep in mind the gangs wreak havoc in these neighborhoods and so let us not lock up the bm. They say mass incarcerations doesn’t work. But then out of the same mouths they will say we need to do something about gun violence. You can’t have it both ways. Either we are going to solve the problems or more and more Black mothers are going to shed tears for their sons or daughter killed by bullets that was never meant for them. No more magical thinking, time to escape blackistan. If there was a fire , you want to escape, so let’s treat this like wise. Every time the weather gets warm, so does tempers flare up and too many of our youth and in some cases adults are meeting untimely deaths because people refuse to point out the real problem. BLACK WOMEN , YOUR MONEY, YOUR TIME AND RESOURCES ARE FOR YOU AND IF THEY ARE CHILDREN PRESENT FOR YOUR CHILDREN.
Every time I see a Black mother weep, the father is rarely or never around and in some cases , the black mother is blamed saying she is she knew her son was into this and this and she is protecting her son. Like Evia mentioned on her blog , if the black man had a soft spot for the Black women we wouldn’t be in the shape we are in. Only surround yourself as much as possible in safer areas and be sure to have your phone on 911 speed dial if it gets dramatic. Blackistan knows that its losing its meal tickets, mammies, mules and that losing them at more of an elevated speed, so they know what to do about this. They are upping their con games and we as Black women must always be one up because it is all out war and the winner takes the spoils.
EXACTLY!
Why am I not surprised that someone whose job should be protecting the interests of the people, which includes helping to guarantee their safety and freedom from fear, thinks that it’s possible to achieve that goal without putting dangerous criminals in prison. When people like that start talking that garbage to me I put them on nignore fast. Unfortunately, most of the people I hear this crap from are BW, who think you can coddle violent criminals out of wanting to rape, maim and kill them and others. And BM who claim it’s “a conspiracy to destroy the Black man”. This type of thinking can shorten your life span by decades, if you know what I mean.
I don’t know much about Chicago politics, but this Bobby Rush sounds like a damn fool. And the “yes men” Aldermen obviously don’t care what happens to Black folks who are the only ones (usually) killed as a result of this idiotic, “It’s not really a crime because the killer’s Black” policy! This is exactly what I was talking about in my post!! How does such a policy benefit Black people (BW)? It doesn’t! But as long as the NAACP is happy that the only Black people they care about (BM) aren’t going to prison for crimes they CHOSE to commit it’s all good. And those foolish Black folks and their PRO-Black on Black crime politicians don’t have to face the fact that they are succeeding where the KKK failed. SMDH.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with this as well. It will most likely get far worse for the women still living in Blackistan residential areas before it gets better. The sooner BW leave the better.
@Shaylah…very true! Your entire statement makes me think about children like Hadiya Pendleton, who was killed this year.
“You are only responsible for yourself and children if you have them.
This is also biblical. 1Timothy 5:8 state; Certainly if anyone does not provide for those who are his own, and especially for those who are members of his household, he has disowned the faith and is worse than a person without faith.
So an atheist’s man who is a great provider for his family is viewed more worthy from God than some fake Christian man that does not take care of his family.
CNS brings the knowledge! I have never before in life heard that bible verse. But its so on point for families – especially black families – where its usually the black woman raising the kids alone as a single mother, not able to enjoy life in the way that other stable, healthy, married couples do. And then you go online, look at tv, or look at any black community on the planet. And you see black men and their anti black women supporters abusing, manipulating, and disrespecting black women to the world – which they have been doing to black women for decades. Which is why more black women should flee the black community. And expand their options to global quality men who will raise families together, and where they can also have normal happy lives. Because the black community doesn’t care about uplifting and educating its own people.
Thank you, cns! I have never heard that verse before either, and I have attended churches both denominational and non-denominational. I guess I should not be surprised, since most ministers are men and (typically) don’t want to call each other out.
the ‘black church ‘ i go to The minister DOES CALL THEM OUT.. Not all churches with black members are just getting off on a tithe that black women make, etc.
there are some REAL MEN in there
BTW, just because the minister is black, it doesn’t men all of the people in the congregation are
Yes, I know. I was speaking to my own experience. I can’t truly speak for anyone else’s.
If you notice, it says HIS…. it seems that some black men are falling off the wagon on this one
It doesn’t say parents, and men need to WORK. Don’t rely on what the woman brings to the table,but that is just what BM do, and if she wants to be a SAHM, she is considered to be a GOLDDIGGER
Thank you ladies. I chuckle when people say the bible is outdated. That’s usually because they have not really investigated for themselves. The Bible carries wealth of information on home and family life. What’s interesting about the BC is they think they are in disarray because of racism and somehow they have a special relationship with God because of slavery. No they are in poverty because some don’t want to work or get an education required for a nice paying job. 2Thess 3:10, If you don’t work, you don’t eat.”
I would like to add that the BC has failed because black people refuse to build an infrastructure of their own and will not support businesses from people that look like them.
Slave-minded people will support all things from the master. They will sabotage and destroy things from people that look like them. Therefore those good paying jobs (which one can debate how long they will last) do not contribute to providing goods and services from black people. The money flows one-way (outward).
There have been those who have tried to have businesses catering to Black people and most have failed (i.e. brick and mortar stores being continually robbed as an example) or online shops that black consumers expect the owners to go through hoops for things that they would never demand from a white business owner.
Unfortunately, the time has passed for any remedies. The best way for BW entrepreneurs to have a successful business is to make it “colorless”. Great posts on this topic are at Sojourner’s Passport /Muslim Bushido:
http://muslimbushido.blogspot.de/2013/05/a-good-example-of-colorlessand.html
http://sojournerspassport.com/managing-remington-steele/
http://sojournerspassport.com/if-you%E2%80%99re-a-black-business-owner-who-wants-to-succeed-leave-the-african-american-consumer-behind/
I bring this up because every BW needs a “side hustle”. The days of the “good paying jobs” are numbered and any type of side business would be a wise course of action just make sure you are not depending on Black people as a major source of revenue because they have proven to be fickle at best and downright saboteurs at their worst.
I have found my sisters; in this site. I am so glad for your honesty and your insight . Finally people who see, what i see in the world. A place where i find like-minded sisters and a place where i can also learn from. I need this- because toxic people use to tell me i was wrong . Now you are VALIDATING a lot of my empowerment thoughts. Toxic people try to make you always feel like you are WRONG; when you don’t let parasites and other people use you. I love the fellowship and knowledge from the black women empowerment sites. You are brave,courageous, loving and wise. thank you all
Thank you LIS and welcome! 🙂
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Great post.
My experiences vary and are kinda different from yours as our history is different (Africans and Caribbeans living in Europe). Still, the low self-esteem manifests itself here too, not to the same extent I believe.
I totally related to the part about black men feeling entitled to see us smiling back at them or saying hi back in the street. I’m an introverted person so I tend to stay away from any kinds of drama so I used to be polite to them, but now? Not anymore, I don’t acknowledge them and don’t fear anymore. I had this man approaching me and telling me how rude I was for not saying hi back when he said hi to me 3 times already. I told him: “who are you?” and then he said that it wasn’t an excuse or something like that. I was at a bus stop. That guy already hit on me before that and did again a 3rd time, so I decided to ignore him, even if there were about 10 people around us at the bus stop. I guess he felt embarrassed lol
I try to avoid posting on black American blogs as I’m not American, it’s wiser for me to listen than comment.
Mello…I was born in the US to a Jamaican mum and I can relate to the constant sexual harassment. I don’t like being stared at or approached in a disrespectful manner. I think for some men, it isn’t so much about them being interested in us as it is their need to intimidate us. I went for a walk today and no one said anything to me (which is rare), but that’s because I put on what I call my “bitch face”. Sometimes that’s what you have to do to keep predators at bay. It’s sad but true. Some men mistakenly believe that if a woman says hi in response to them, or if she smiles politely, that is an invitation.
Hello! I just wanted to let everyone know that I finally moved out of mom’s house a few weeks ago and I live with one of my best friends now. Money’s been a little tight here as well, but I love living with my friend and I get along with my mother a lot better now. I have started the job training course and hope that when I finish I can get a much better job. Thanks again to everyone!
Hi Sweetipie! I’m glad that you took some of the advice you received here to heart. It’s also good to hear that things are better between you and you’re mom. Moving away from one’s parents usually does help. As long as you live in their home they can treat you like a child, but when you leave they have to accept that you are an adult. Just know that you are making changes for the betterment of your life, and the financial inconvenience now will pay off big in the future. Best wishes! 🙂